I started out this week in a whirlwind of emotion. As I read many people’s bogs I can see that so many of us are going through the same challenges and epiphanies all muddled together like a fine crafted cocktail. We are equally lost as we are found.
Sunday night I was feeling positive and even my short comings, which I discovered a few more in Sunday’s webinar, were not going keep me down. I looked at these new gems of information as a detached observation, rather than hanging on to another detrimental personal truth that I must cling to as if my life depends on it.
Then the Monday morning alarm went off like a school bell. My thoughts came rushing to me from the dark side of the moon, desolate and debilitating. I rolled over and reached for my DMP, GS book, and the Blueprint Builder. The Greatest Salesman said that I would start to wake up with a vitality I have never known before. Instead I am fighting off my demons like an over worked dragon slayer. My DMP is beginning to claim all of my deepest dreams, and that morning my dog decides she wants to eat it and rips up half of the first page. Does she not want to have a saltwater pool in the back yard of our Malibu ranch estate? JEEZ! Nope, all that her cute face wants are endless morning pets. So then I decide to try to read aloud The Blueprint Builder and my mouth cannot even articulate the words.
After fighting through traffic and almost having 3 different cars run into me I finally get to work. I walk up two flights of stairs to my office and my spirit hits the floor. I sit down in my windowless quarters hidden away from the world I dream to have. Disgruntled employees begin wander in and out of the sky dungeon spewing their toxic negative venom all over the bone white walls. And I am shackled to my desk for 8+ hours doing a job that I loathe and bathing in baneful office energy. All of my dreams begin to look as though they are a million miles away. To an outsider my job looks glamorous, as I am event planner for a high-end restaurant. I help put together small and large brunch, lunch and dinner parties and a few times a year we host some of the most talked about Hollywood events. But day after day the truth of my job is entering bullshit data, highlighting some papers, and finding that my only creative outlet is deciding what color font I should use for the greeting at the top of each event’s menus.
The day I started this job almost 2 years ago I was walking towards the same stairs at an attempt to try out the “real world” and start a career because my old blue print told me I was just too old to be an artist/actor/dreamer in my 30’s and I needed to get a life. 9 to 5 here I come or more like 9 to 6:30+++. Step by step I walked closer to this Plan B Life and my heart screamed at me “You just made the biggest mistake!” I shut her up and kept going as it looked like there was no going back. Now I have spent my long days wondering how do I get out! Like many of you I do have a home-based business that I love, but that is another story for another day.
Later in the day I had finished all of my work so I started reading some fellow MKMMA blogs. I passionately started commenting back and I did not even realize I was typing so fast that my fingers were tapping away on the keyboard like a perfect dance between Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. Then my boss startles me and snaps me out of my creative mediation, “Hey, what are you working on right now?” Me, “Ugh.. Oh… I am just answering some emails.” My boss, “You really are just hammering away on that keyboard!” Me, “Oh yeah just trying to get all the clients’ questions answered.” She and I in the moment knew damn well my mind was on another planet and that I never write that much to any of my clients.
Then I just got pissed off and my mind goes into panic when I start to feel confined. Why am I here? What did I agree upon with my old blueprint that this was the direction I wanted my life to go? And how the hell do I get out of this mess? At that moment my old blueprint decides it is an appropriate time to try and chime in. I quickly mentally silence her, as she is the reason for these problems in the first place. Now I have mentally spun myself out and want to just go home and take a nap. But I still had 3+ more hours of work to go. There is nothing worse than having to act busy when there is not one task to do. That is when I got even more depressed, because I think of all the valuable time that I have wasted by sitting there just so I can pay the bills.
That night I sat in mediation for a bit longer than directed. I reread all of Haanel’s teachings to propel me out of this funk. To my surprise over the next couple of days my DMP started to form with depth, structure, and direction. Once I got it to a point where I felt it was a strong revision to send to my guide I read it out loud. I started the first sentence and tears filled my eyes. I choked out all 400 words and it really hit me…. “This is my way out!” And I started bawling and as the flood of tears washed the sadness off of my face I felt as through I was released. The world once again is my oyster and I am here to claim all of her pearls! PEACE.